The BIG 49!

dec14It wasn’t until I drove past the exit for 64W that I realized that I was going to CFZ. I had planned on going to CFBC and then dropping of Luke at You Lucky Dog. Luke is spending his day at Doggie Village instead. Given that I’m a creature of habit, this came as a surprise to me.

Uhm, so yeah, it’s my 49th birthday! I planned on sleeping in until at least 5:30, but was (you guessed it) I was all wide-eyed and bushy-tailed at 4. My tail was so bushy that I even shaved. I look like a cue ball. A manly, fit, and aerodynamic cue ball, but a cue ball nonetheless.

I arrived at CFZ at 5:40, and for a brief moment thought that Kristin, who had opened the gym, was going to be coaching instead of my BFF. I would very much enjoy attending a session led by Kristin, but I really needed a hug from my BFF. Michael Kelley did arrive at 5:50 and gave me a HUGE, warm hug. I’m convinced that I felt 21% movement. Empirical date supports that fact that I’m turning him.

As today was to be either an active recovery or a rest day, I neither rested nor took it easy. Because it’s my f@cking birthday and I can do whatever the hell I want to do.

I attempted a few split jerks, but my wrists are still recovering from having done split jerks earlier this week. I instead did about a dozen front squats, focusing on form.

I did join the group for high bar back squats, even though I completed these earlier in the week as well. Again, it’s my f@cking birthday and I’ll do whatever the hell I want to do.

We were instructed to work up to a heavy set of 3 reps – with a twist: hold the bottom of the first rep for a count of 3 seconds. I thought about starting with my bodyweight, but Michael Kelley said, “That might be too heavy.” It’s like he doesn’t even know me. I did 3 reps @ 135#, and it felt far too easy. I increased the weight to 155#, and it still felt easy. I increased the weight to 185#, and the weight at least presented a challenge. I thought, “One more set. Should I just put 5-pound plates on the bar, or should I go for Michael Kelley’s body weight of 205 pounds?” I yelled, “Michael Kelley, Michael Kelley, come watch me!” “Why?” he asked. “I want you to make sure I’m holding the first squat for a count of three.” I positioned the bar on my back, stepped away from the rack, took a deep breath, and squatted. Michael Kelley said, “One-Zeal, two-Zeal, three-Zeal” with a pause between each “Zeal” so that a second actually passed. I rose from the squat, took another deep breath, and squatted. I knew the squat wasn’t deep enough even before I heard Michael Kelley say, “That was shallow.” I completed two more squats. “Why did you do four reps?” Michael Kelley asked. “You were only supposed to do three.” “Because the second rep wasn’t a good rep, fool,” I responded.

13 15 burpees on odd-numbered minutes
3 5 clean & jerks front squats @ 75% of 1RM on even-numbered minutes

Michael Kelley suggested that I substitute 5 front squats for C&Js. I put 155# on the bar, 75% of FS 1RM. Michael Kelley said, “Do 15 instead of 13 burpees.” I replied, “I was planning on doing 14 in celebration of my birthday. Or maybe 12 one round and 14 the next, since my birthday is December 14.” “Do 15 burpees and 5 front squats,” he demanded. Michael Kelley could’ve at least taken into consideration that fact that it’s my f@cking birthday. In this particular instance I did not do whatever the hell I wanted to.

Michael Kelley explained the discombobulated scoring, blah, blah, blah. Something like just counting how long it took to do burpees but if you didn’t complete all 3 C&Js (and everyone should’ve completed all 3 reps) there was a penalty and if you didn’t complete all the burpees there was a burpee penalty and if you thought he looked fat you were very smart, blah, blah, blah.

I rather enjoyed this, and thanks for asking. I completed 15, unbroken burpees in times of 37, 39, 38, 39, and 38 seconds. That last round of burpees was tough, but I was bound and determined to not make the last round my slowest round. I completed the first 4 rounds of FSs in reps of 3 & 2 and the last round in reps of 2 & 3 – with 10 seconds and a square to spare! So, I suppose my “score” is 3:11. Or something like that, blah, blah, blah, Michael Kelley is fat.

As I completed 75 burpees, I chose not to do additional birthday burpees. Say it along with me… because it’s my f@cking birthday and I’ll do whatever the hell I want to do.

I really, really, really wanted another hug from Michael Kelley, but did not receive one. I chose something else round and cream-filled as a substitute: a donut. Delicious.

I then had a 90-minute deep tissue massage from the man, the myth, the legend, Mr. Lal at Athletic Edge Sports Massage. I almost blacked out on quite a few occasions. That’s when you know it’s a good massage.

I also met my friend, Darren, for lunch. The second best part of the lunch was consuming an Allagash White beer. The best part of the lunch was the hug I received from Lisa. The third best part of the lunch was the pear salad. That is all. (You’re a very good hugger, too, Darren. I just don’t want the word to get out that I enjoyed hugging a straight man. It’d ruin my reputation.)


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