Thunk

Dear Michael Kelley,

Hello! How are you? I am fine.

As the head coach, please ensure that you inform other coaches of your expectations for the metcon. For example, were athletes supposed to have chosen a weight that would prevent them from completing reps unbroken? Were athletes allowed to drop the plate during the 100m run and let it roll (like a certain head coach did)? It would have been nice to have known your expectations beforehand.

I also respectfully ask that you not make comments to athletes during the metcon such as, “You’re sandbagging. You should have chosen a heavier weight.” Athletes asked me what weights they should use, and I made suggestions. For you to then suggest that my suggestions were incorrect undermines my credibility as a coach.

One last thing: you are fat. One very last thing, I promise: I hate you.

Yours truly,

Paul

I’m not a fan of birthday WODs. There. I said it. I find that most birthday WODs are trite and contrived, and often interfere with programming. Don’t hate on me.

I coached at 8 and 10:30, attended the 9:15 WOD, and coached the 11:30 Community WOD. Michael Kelley had originally “let” me coach the 10:30 session, as my friend, Christine, was attending and I wanted to lead the session. He was to have coached the 8 session but just yesterday asked me if I would cover for him. He offered to pay me. He wasn’t specific, however, if payment was to be made in dollars.

Five, far too f@cking many, about 10, and about 15 attended the 8, 9:15, 10:30, and Community WOD sessions, respectively.

I ran athletes through shoulder mobility and then 2 sets of 10 reps of hollow rock, “Superman”, and rollover. Michael Kelley had the only session that he coached complete a wall ball partner warm up. Yeah, right, like I was going to partake of those festivities.

Suffice it to say that I was in a mood.

Thomas Kelley helped lighten my mood by giving me a CrossFit Zeal | The Pursuit of Fitness tee shirt with “Coach” stenciled on the back. And not a single word was misspelled. Thanks, Thomas! Now get over your funk and grow a pair. Hugs!

Dynamic Effort Upper
Speed Bench
9×3 @ 65% 1RM, 30 second rest
3 sets of 3 @ wide, neutral, and narrow grip

As I’ll have an opportunity to complete speed bench at CFD tomorrow, and as I didn’t want to share a bench with three other people, I chose to work on handstand holds instead. And that’s what I did.

2-5 Reps of Upper Body Gymnastics Movement On The Minute x 10 Minute

I briefly considered doing muscle-ups, but I’ve been doing quite a number of said upping of the muscles lately, so I did 5 ring pushups with elevated feet on a box. I began the first round with feet on 30” box, and increased height each round by placing plates on both of two stacks, one for right and left foot. Burt and I estimate that the final height was 54” or more. While not instructed to do so, I completed maximum number or reps last round, and completed 15, for a total of 60 ring pushups.

Conditioning
“La Krista” In 15 minutes complete the following:
8 Pistols per leg
31 Plate Squats
then AMRAP in remaining time of,
100m run with plate
9 Plate Sit-Ups
8 Plate Press
7 Chin-Ups

Score is number of rounds completed.

My goal was, of course, to complete all rounds unbroken. Given this, I selected a 35# plate.

I would have much preferred if the WOD didn’t start with pistols and air squats, as they seemed to be only for the purpose of stating the month and day of Krista’s birth. If you’re following along at home, she was born in 1987. Or 100987.

I set up my box for pistols and my Manduka mat for sit-ups outside of the box but not in front of the garage door. Because I’m considerate. I would have used an Abmat if there were any left. Uhm, I own one of the Abmats, yet I didn’t have one to use. I’m going to have to start putting all of my shit in the office, and not just my Manduka mat and sled. Because I’m selfish.

Pistols went smoothly as did air squats. Michael Kelley reminded me to extend my hips for air squats. I chose not to remind him to do so, as I knew he would’ve thought that the only reason I would have said it was for spite. Not true. You needed to open your hips, Michael Kelley.

I placed the plate on my back for 100m run, and found the transition to sit-ups to be cumbersome. The transition from sit-ups to presses was a little easier. I can’t recall the last time I did chin-ups, yet the skill quickly came back to me, even if chin-ups are harder to kip than pull-ups.

The most difficult part of the metcon, surprisingly, was the 100m run for no other reason than it was challenging to keep a good grip on the plate.

I completed all rounds unbroken, except of the very last round of chin-ups. Thus, I came this close to punching Michael Kelley in the throat kissing Michael Kelley on the lips quitting coaching at CrossFit Zeal achieving my goal.

I started the 7 chin-ups with just 20 seconds remaining on the clock. I completed 6, but knew damn well that my chin wasn’t going to go above the bar if I attempted a 7th. I dropped from the bar, gathered my senses, and grabbed the bar with just 5 seconds left. I thought, “Make this last rep explosive!” And that’s what I did. Uhm, so much so that my chest hit the lower bar and the bridge of my nose hit the upper bar. Thunk. Yup, I have a bruise on my nose, but fortunately I didn’t break it.

I completed exactly 7 rounds.

Dear Michael Kelley,

Hello! How are you? I am fine.

As my coach and very best friend forever, did I chose an appropriate weight for the metcon? Should I have instead used a 45# plate or perhaps duct taped a 25# and a 15# together? I value your opinion.

By the way, have I told you lately that I hate you?

Yours truly,

Paul

The Community WOD was a 12-minute AMRAP of 10m bear crawl, 10m crab walk, 3 pull-ups, 5 pushups, and 7 air squats. However, an additional bear crawl and crab walk were completed at the start of each round. Jeff said it was good, and that’s good enough for me.

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