"Loser"

My favorite coach, Jack, did NOT lead today’s session. Stew led today’s session, and the focus was on Stew. He has increased the quantity and improved the quality of his witty remarks. My gayness appears to be rubbing off on him.


I am unwilling to share our initial verbal exchanges, as I risk offending readers. Suffice it to say that both Stew’s mother and my mother were mentioned…


Max asked if I would play songs from my iPhone. At first I thought he was kidding, as everyone knows I’d play songs from Glee. I grabbed my iPad instead, and decided upon Beck. The first song was “Loser”. This was appropriate.


We are de-loading, and today the focus was on the dead-lift—my favorite lift! I once again teamed with Nick, who is an all-around nice, young man. Stew tried (unsuccessfully, as this was Stew) to get Nick to say negative things about me. As I had to remind Stew, just because I’m a middle-aged gay man doesn’t mean I’m a pedophile. Anyone who knows me well knows that I am one of the least threatening people you could meet—although I did tell Stew I wanted to punch him in the throat. He said I couldn’t reach his throat. Stew is well on his way to replacing Michael Kelley as the person I focus all of my hatred upon. Will you miss me, Michael Kelley?

5 reps of 135, 165, 175, 190, and all lifts felt easy and solid.

Metcon: 21-15-9 DB cleans (35 each hand) and KTE
I attempted cleans, and my right arm immediately began to hurt. I am indeed completing stretches that I’ve been taught, but this doesn’t seem to be working. It may be time to see a PT.

Me: What’s a substitute for cleans?
Stew: Cleans.
Me: My arm still hurts, so I can’t do cleans.
Stew: Then do thrusters.
Me: That will still hurt.
Stew: Then do kettle bell snatches with your left arm.

I got a kettle bell as was ready to go. Stew began counting down from 10, and I had a sudden urge to mix things up a bit, so I grabbed a 52 lb kettle bell. I substituted kettle bell swings for cleans. Wow, swings were very challenging today, as my arms were still a bit sore from yesterday’s 64 swings. I nonetheless completed the metcon unbroken with a time of 3:21.

As I had time to spare, I rowed 500m as others completed the metcon. I did, of course, cheer for them. That’s just what I do.

As Stew was “stretching” and talking with his boyfriend, I casually mentioned that I wished there was a coach who could help me with kipping muscle-ups. Stew ignored me. It hurt. I hurt badly.

I asked my second favorite coach (still tied with Uberlin Colin) if she would coach, and, being Ashley, she did just that! She first watched me attempt to perform a kipping muscle-up, and had to remind me to keep the rings close to each other and then attempt to shoot my chest through the rings. Stew then suddenly showed interest, as I know he’s jealous of the relationship I have with Ashley. (I am NOT, however, jealous of the relationship Ashley has with Michael Kelley.)

Stew: Think of it as an inverted row.
Me: What?
Stew: You know, get your body parallel, and then do an inverted row. That way you’re only lifting half of your bodyweight.
Me: Half of my body weight isn’t very much.
Stew: Just do an inverted row.
Me: You’re going to have to show me what you mean. Remember, my only personal trainer was Michael Kelley, so I don’t know very much. He isn’t a very good trainer.
Stew: It’s all about physics.
Me: I have a degree in communication.
Stew: I think all CrossFitters should have to pass a physics test before they can join.
Me: I think all coaches should have to pass a communication test before they can coach. You’d fail.

Ashley and Stew did provide excellent coaching. Practice, practice, practice!

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